It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
