Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
