Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
