I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
