Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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