there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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