it was like his penis was on wheels.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
