you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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