just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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