those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
