I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
