I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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