Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on