i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
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hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
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That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...