I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
