we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I forget how to act sober
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize