My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
