she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
