he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
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She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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