just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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