sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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