Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
