He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
