He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
