I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
