You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You're like the curious george of whores
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
