PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
