I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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