Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
