Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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