i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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