I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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