SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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