I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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