i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
