i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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