Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
