you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
