Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
