I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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