I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
