I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just found a bag of teeth...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
