this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
