im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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