I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
