I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
