I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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