ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
