I'm laying in your front yard are you home
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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