The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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