thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
