its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
