i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
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Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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