Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
