Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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