Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am one with the molecules
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
