happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
