i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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