you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
