why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
