Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
