so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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