Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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