Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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